My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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