Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
