When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
