We named our party play list daddy issues
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
