Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
