I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
