woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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