What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
