I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
