Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
