I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
