I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
