there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
