remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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