overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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