i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
