Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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