remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
