you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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