i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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