Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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