Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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