just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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