i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
