By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
