I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
