just survived the first fart of the relationship.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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