The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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