You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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