Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
