please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
