I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
