Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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