I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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