just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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