We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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