Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
