My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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