I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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