Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
