I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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