I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
ttyl tear gas
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
