does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
