The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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