1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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