saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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