I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Boobs speak an international language.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
