so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
