just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
