If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
