I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I met the friendliest cop last night
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
