I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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