i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
