Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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