Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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