You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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