Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
