dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
