My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's official drugs can't kill me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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