I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
