need another drink. this is the easiest way
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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